What afantastic post by Eric Barker. I do this a lot, but helps to remember the magic rules.
If I asked you "Do kids have the abilities and self-control of adults?" you would laugh and say, "Of course not." But we often treat kids -- especially during heated moments -- like they have the abilities and self-control of adults. Does not compute.
But it does mean we need to think a little less of parenting as being a prison warden and more like it's about teaching.
Start with the assumption that your kid is lacking skills, not the desire to comply. Work from the idea that kids do well if they are able to. If someone does not have the skills to deal with frustration and rationally problem-solve at a particular moment, they simply cannot do the right thing, no matter how much you shout or threaten.
From The Explosive Child:
But instead of thinking about the skill that's lacking, we just focus on the bad behavior. If we aim to discover and solve the underlying problem, the behavior goes away on its own.
Help them identify the unsolved problem, teach them the lagging skill, and the awful behavior gets replaced by something that will make them a more effective human -- and stop you from going prematurely gray.
Most times when you see conflict escalate it's because of that logic -- that it's a contest of wills, not skills. If a child is upset, threats just make it worse, and if a kid is not upset, threats are an excellent way to get them upset. You have the skills to control your behavior, they don't.
Nobody's saying you have to cave and give in. But it's not weak to ask questions. To assume that maybe there is a legitimate reason they're struggling, and that it's something you can help them get better at. Being immediately dismissive of someone's feelings is rarely a good idea.
Do you want your child to be an adult who just mindlessly obeys? No. We want them to have better self-control, better problem-solving skills, to consider the feelings of others and to negotiate.
From The Explosive Child:
We're forgetting that parents don't just need to be enforcers -- they need to be teachers.
Without them, they're not learning a lesson about emotional control or frustration tolerance, they're learning that whoever has more power can unilaterally make the rules. Congrats, you're raising a bully. Start saving bail money and tell him to stop breaking into my car.
Step 1: Empathy
So what's the Magic Formula for the Empathy step?
So you'd say, "I've noticed we've been having some difficulty when it's time to do your homework. What's up?"
Be calm and gentle. This isn't an argument or an interrogation. That said, we do need an answer. And most kids will respond with the dreaded, "I don't know" or silence. That's okay.
Frankly, the kid probably doesn't know. They probably haven't thought that much about it.
Be patient. Ask questions. Encourage them to talk. Get them to clarify. And try to find out why this problem occurs at homework time and not during other moments. Beyond that, the important thing to do is shut your big adult mouth. Do not rush to give your side of things or to solve the problem for them.
Patience. Gently ask questions. Don't judge.
Step 2: Define The Problem
Okay, they told you their side. And knowing how kids are, they probably didn't think too much about how that affects anyone other than themselves and that’s why they’re in trouble. But that’s okay.
Again, don't jump to solutions just yet. We need to teach them those skills: being considerate of others, problem-solving, etc. And that means we collaborate, not dictate.
The defining step:
Calm and gentle. Avoid the word "you" because unless it's followed by "are wonderful" it's going to sound like an accusation. Stick to the word "I" and talk about your feelings. This teaches them to think about other people's perspectives.
Step 3: The Invitation
Now it's time for solutions. And, no, you still don't get to suggest one. Sorry.
Magic Formula?
This teaches them to take other people's feelings into consideration when problem-solving -- which is a much better lesson than blind obedience to unilateral demands.
Giving them first crack at suggesting the solution doesn't just improve their empathy and problem-solving muscles, it also lets them know you're interested in their ideas. It's a bonding moment. It teaches them, by example, how to collaborate -- as opposed to teaching them "How To Be A Dictator."
This is how you teach them skills that will make them a successful adult. And it doesn't involve lectures that they'll ignore.
In order to work, any solution has to include two elements:
Greene's Magic Formula for this one?
And let them try again. They're learning to think about others' feelings and make a plan before they behave. And when they come up with something realistic that works for both of you, you're done for now. They'll be more likely to follow through because it's their solution.
You'll know you're making progress when the kid starts following through on their plan without reminders or help. Until then, they might screw up. No problem. Ask them how you can improve the solution so it's more realistic or more mutually satisfying.
Here's how to be a fantastic parent:
That is a 100% real possibility. And that is a problem...
Which is why we taught them awesome problem-solving skills, right?
From The Explosive Child:
You're teaching your kid the skills they need to be empathetic and respectful, to problem-solve and negotiate.
When it comes to abilities, we act like kids are our equals. But when it comes to respect, we act like they're inferior to us.
Try reversing that.
If I asked you "Do kids have the abilities and self-control of adults?" you would laugh and say, "Of course not." But we often treat kids -- especially during heated moments -- like they have the abilities and self-control of adults. Does not compute.
But it does mean we need to think a little less of parenting as being a prison warden and more like it's about teaching.
Mad Skillz
Start with the assumption that your kid is lacking skills, not the desire to comply. Work from the idea that kids do well if they are able to. If someone does not have the skills to deal with frustration and rationally problem-solve at a particular moment, they simply cannot do the right thing, no matter how much you shout or threaten.
From The Explosive Child:
I encourage you to put aside the conventional wisdom and strategies and consider the alternate view: that your child is already very motivated to do well and that his challenging episodes reflect a developmental delay in the skills of flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving. Your energy can be devoted far more productively to collaborating with your child on solutions to the problems. You and your child are going to be allies, not adversaries. Partners, not enemies.
But instead of thinking about the skill that's lacking, we just focus on the bad behavior. If we aim to discover and solve the underlying problem, the behavior goes away on its own.
Help them identify the unsolved problem, teach them the lagging skill, and the awful behavior gets replaced by something that will make them a more effective human -- and stop you from going prematurely gray.
"But I’m The Parent!"
Most times when you see conflict escalate it's because of that logic -- that it's a contest of wills, not skills. If a child is upset, threats just make it worse, and if a kid is not upset, threats are an excellent way to get them upset. You have the skills to control your behavior, they don't.
Nobody's saying you have to cave and give in. But it's not weak to ask questions. To assume that maybe there is a legitimate reason they're struggling, and that it's something you can help them get better at. Being immediately dismissive of someone's feelings is rarely a good idea.
Do you want your child to be an adult who just mindlessly obeys? No. We want them to have better self-control, better problem-solving skills, to consider the feelings of others and to negotiate.
From The Explosive Child:
If a kid is putting his concerns on the table, taking yours into account, and working collaboratively toward a solution that works for both of you—and if therefore the frequency and intensity of challenging episodes are being reduced—then he’s most assuredly being held accountable and taking responsibility for his actions.
We're forgetting that parents don't just need to be enforcers -- they need to be teachers.
Without them, they're not learning a lesson about emotional control or frustration tolerance, they're learning that whoever has more power can unilaterally make the rules. Congrats, you're raising a bully. Start saving bail money and tell him to stop breaking into my car.
There are three steps here and Greene has a Magic Formula for each.
Step 1: Empathy
So what's the Magic Formula for the Empathy step?
“I’ve noticed that…” + (problem) + “What’s up?”
So you'd say, "I've noticed we've been having some difficulty when it's time to do your homework. What's up?"
Be calm and gentle. This isn't an argument or an interrogation. That said, we do need an answer. And most kids will respond with the dreaded, "I don't know" or silence. That's okay.
Frankly, the kid probably doesn't know. They probably haven't thought that much about it.
Be patient. Ask questions. Encourage them to talk. Get them to clarify. And try to find out why this problem occurs at homework time and not during other moments. Beyond that, the important thing to do is shut your big adult mouth. Do not rush to give your side of things or to solve the problem for them.
Patience. Gently ask questions. Don't judge.
Step 2: Define The Problem
Okay, they told you their side. And knowing how kids are, they probably didn't think too much about how that affects anyone other than themselves and that’s why they’re in trouble. But that’s okay.
Again, don't jump to solutions just yet. We need to teach them those skills: being considerate of others, problem-solving, etc. And that means we collaborate, not dictate.
The defining step:
“The thing is…” + (communicate your concerns about the problem)
Calm and gentle. Avoid the word "you" because unless it's followed by "are wonderful" it's going to sound like an accusation. Stick to the word "I" and talk about your feelings. This teaches them to think about other people's perspectives.
Step 3: The Invitation
Now it's time for solutions. And, no, you still don't get to suggest one. Sorry.
Magic Formula?
“I wonder if there’s a way we can...” + (address kid's concern) + "but that still makes sure to" + (address your concern) +“Do you have any ideas?”
This teaches them to take other people's feelings into consideration when problem-solving -- which is a much better lesson than blind obedience to unilateral demands.
Giving them first crack at suggesting the solution doesn't just improve their empathy and problem-solving muscles, it also lets them know you're interested in their ideas. It's a bonding moment. It teaches them, by example, how to collaborate -- as opposed to teaching them "How To Be A Dictator."
This is how you teach them skills that will make them a successful adult. And it doesn't involve lectures that they'll ignore.
The 2 Criteria For Good Solutions
In order to work, any solution has to include two elements:
- It has to be realistic. The kid has to actually be able to follow through.
- It has to be mutually satisfactory. It must solve the concerns of both parties.
Greene's Magic Formula for this one?
"Well, that’s an idea, and I know that idea would address your concern, but I don’t think it would address my concern. Let’s see if we can come up with an idea that will work for both of us."
And let them try again. They're learning to think about others' feelings and make a plan before they behave. And when they come up with something realistic that works for both of you, you're done for now. They'll be more likely to follow through because it's their solution.
You'll know you're making progress when the kid starts following through on their plan without reminders or help. Until then, they might screw up. No problem. Ask them how you can improve the solution so it's more realistic or more mutually satisfying.
Sum Up
Here's how to be a fantastic parent:
- Step 1 - Empathy: “I’ve noticed that…” + (problem) + “What’s up?”
- Step 2 - Define the problem: “The thing is…” + (communicate your concerns about the problem)
- Step 3 - Invitation: “I wonder if there’s a way we can...” + (address kid's concern) + "but that still makes sure to" + (address your concern) + “Do you have any ideas?”
- Some might say the adult world is not always such a collaborative place. Your kid may end up in a job with a boss who unilaterally dictates orders, doesn't listen and makes threats.
That is a 100% real possibility. And that is a problem...
Which is why we taught them awesome problem-solving skills, right?
From The Explosive Child:
A (dictator) boss is a problem to be solved. How does your child learn to solve problems? (With the above three steps.) Which skill set is more important for life in the real world: the blind adherence to authority... or identifying and articulating one’s concerns, taking others’ concerns into account, and working toward solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory...? If kids are completely dependent on imposition of adult will to do the right thing, then what will they do when adults aren’t around to impose their will?
You're teaching your kid the skills they need to be empathetic and respectful, to problem-solve and negotiate.
When it comes to abilities, we act like kids are our equals. But when it comes to respect, we act like they're inferior to us.
Try reversing that.
