What afantastic post by Eric Barker. I do this a lot, but helps to remember the magic rules.


If I asked you "Do kids have the abilities and self-control of adults?" you would laugh and say, "Of course not." But we often treat kids -- especially during heated moments -- like they have the abilities and self-control of adults. Does not compute.

But it does mean we need to think a little less of parenting as being a prison warden and more like it's about teaching.

Mad Skillz

Start with the assumption that your kid is lacking skills, not the desire to comply. Work from the idea that kids do well if they are able to. If someone does not have the skills to deal with frustration and rationally problem-solve at a particular moment, they simply cannot do the right thing, no matter how much you shout or threaten.


From The Explosive Child:

I encourage you to put aside the conventional wisdom and strategies and consider the alternate view: that your child is already very motivated to do well and that his challenging episodes reflect a developmental delay in the skills of flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving. Your energy can be devoted far more productively to collaborating with your child on solutions to the problems. You and your child are going to be allies, not adversaries. Partners, not enemies.

But instead of thinking about the skill that's lacking, we just focus on the bad behavior. If we aim to discover and solve the underlying problem, the behavior goes away on its own.

Help them identify the unsolved problem, teach them the lagging skill, and the awful behavior gets replaced by something that will make them a more effective human -- and stop you from going prematurely gray.

"But I’m The Parent!"

Most times when you see conflict escalate it's because of that logic -- that it's a contest of wills, not skills. If a child is upset, threats just make it worse, and if a kid is not upset, threats are an excellent way to get them upset. You have the skills to control your behavior, they don't.

Nobody's saying you have to cave and give in. But it's not weak to ask questions. To assume that maybe there is a legitimate reason they're struggling, and that it's something you can help them get better at. Being immediately dismissive of someone's feelings is rarely a good idea.

Do you want your child to be an adult who just mindlessly obeys? No. We want them to have better self-control, better problem-solving skills, to consider the feelings of others and to negotiate.

From The Explosive Child:

If a kid is putting his concerns on the table, taking yours into account, and working collaboratively toward a solution that works for both of you—and if therefore the frequency and intensity of challenging episodes are being reduced—then he’s most assuredly being held accountable and taking responsibility for his actions.

We're forgetting that parents don't just need to be enforcers -- they need to be teachers.

Without them, they're not learning a lesson about emotional control or frustration tolerance, they're learning that whoever has more power can unilaterally make the rules. Congrats, you're raising a bully. Start saving bail money and tell him to stop breaking into my car.

There are three steps here and Greene has a Magic Formula for each.

Step 1: Empathy 
So what's the Magic Formula for the Empathy step?

“I’ve noticed that…” + (problem) + “What’s up?”

So you'd say, "I've noticed we've been having some difficulty when it's time to do your homework. What's up?"

Be calm and gentle. This isn't an argument or an interrogation. That said, we do need an answer. And most kids will respond with the dreaded, "I don't know" or silence. That's okay.

Frankly, the kid probably doesn't know. They probably haven't thought that much about it.
Be patient. Ask questions. Encourage them to talk. Get them to clarify. And try to find out why this problem occurs at homework time and not during other moments. Beyond that, the important thing to do is shut your big adult mouth. Do not rush to give your side of things or to solve the problem for them.

Patience. Gently ask questions. Don't judge.

Step 2: Define The Problem 

Okay, they told you their side. And knowing how kids are, they probably didn't think too much about how that affects anyone other than themselves and that’s why they’re in trouble. But that’s okay.

Again, don't jump to solutions just yet. We need to teach them those skills: being considerate of others, problem-solving, etc. And that means we collaborate, not dictate.
The defining step:

“The thing is…” + (communicate your concerns about the problem)

Calm and gentle. Avoid the word "you" because unless it's followed by "are wonderful" it's going to sound like an accusation. Stick to the word "I" and talk about your feelings. This teaches them to think about other people's perspectives.

Step 3: The Invitation 

Now it's time for solutions. And, no, you still don't get to suggest one. Sorry.

Magic Formula?

“I wonder if there’s a way we can...” + (address kid's concern) + "but that still makes sure to" + (address your concern) +“Do you have any ideas?”

This teaches them to take other people's feelings into consideration when problem-solving -- which is a much better lesson than blind obedience to unilateral demands.

Giving them first crack at suggesting the solution doesn't just improve their empathy and problem-solving muscles, it also lets them know you're interested in their ideas. It's a bonding moment. It teaches them, by example, how to collaborate -- as opposed to teaching them "How To Be A Dictator."

This is how you teach them skills that will make them a successful adult. And it doesn't involve lectures that they'll ignore.

The 2 Criteria For Good Solutions

In order to work, any solution has to include two elements:

• It has to be realistic. The kid has to actually be able to follow through.
• It has to be mutually satisfactory. It must solve the concerns of both parties.

So let's start teaching -- but not by lecturing.

Greene's Magic Formula for this one?

"Well, that’s an idea, and I know that idea would address your concern, but I don’t think it would address my concern. Let’s see if we can come up with an idea that will work for both of us."

And let them try again. They're learning to think about others' feelings and make a plan before they behave. And when they come up with something realistic that works for both of you, you're done for now. They'll be more likely to follow through because it's their solution.

You'll know you're making progress when the kid starts following through on their plan without reminders or help. Until then, they might screw up. No problem. Ask them how you can improve the solution so it's more realistic or more mutually satisfying.

Sum Up

Here's how to be a fantastic parent:

• Step 1 - Empathy: “I’ve noticed that…” + (problem) + “What’s up?”
• Step 2 - Define the problem: “The thing is…” + (communicate your concerns about the problem)
• Step 3 - Invitation: “I wonder if there’s a way we can...” + (address kid's concern) + "but that still makes sure to" + (address your concern) + “Do you have any ideas?”
• 
  
• Some might say the adult world is not always such a collaborative place. Your kid may end up in a job with a boss who unilaterally dictates orders, doesn't listen and makes threats.

That is a 100% real possibility. And that is a problem...

Which is why we taught them awesome problem-solving skills, right?

From The Explosive Child:

A (dictator) boss is a problem to be solved. How does your child learn to solve problems? (With the above three steps.) Which skill set is more important for life in the real world: the blind adherence to authority... or identifying and articulating one’s concerns, taking others’ concerns into account, and working toward solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory...? If kids are completely dependent on imposition of adult will to do the right thing, then what will they do when adults aren’t around to impose their will?

You're teaching your kid the skills they need to be empathetic and respectful, to problem-solve and negotiate.

When it comes to abilities, we act like kids are our equals. But when it comes to respect, we act like they're inferior to us.

Try reversing that.

my list of must-have resources for bringing up happy and succesul kids

1/12/19
the day care decision
steve biddulph - books
singapore math - intensive math books
spell and write - evan moore
wearing your baby
learning to write
jim trelease - read-aloud handbook
read-aloud revival

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/psychologist-says-parents-should-18-things-raise-more-confident-child-a7453631.html

3. Let them figure out problems by themselves"Parental help can prevent confidence derived from self-help and figuring out on the child's own," Pickhardt explains.
In other words, better that your child gets a few B's and C's rather than straight A's, so long as they are actually learning how to solve the problems and do the work.

4. Let them act their ageDon't expect your child to act like an adult. "When a child feels that only performing as well as parents is good enough, that unrealistic standard may discourage effort," he says. "Striving to meet advanced age expectations can reduce confidence."

5. Encourage curiositySometimes a child's endless stream of questions can be tiresome, but it should be encouraged.
Asking questions is a helpful exercise for a child's development because it means they realize that "there are things they don't know ... that there are invisible worlds of knowledge they have never visited."

When children start school, those from households that encouraged curious questions have an edge over the rest of their classmates because they've had practice taking in information from their parents, The Guardian reported, and that translates to taking in information from their teacher. In other words, they know how to learn better and faster.

8. Never criticize their performanceNothing will discourage your child more than criticizing his or her efforts. Giving useful feedback and making suggestions is fine — but never tell them they're doing a bad job.

If your kid is scared to fail because they worry you'll be angry or disappointed, they'll never try new things.

"More often than not, parental criticism reduces the child's self-valuing and motivation," says Pickhardt.

9. Treat mistakes as building blocks for learning"Learning from mistakes builds confidence," he says. But this only happens when you, as a parent, treat mistakes as an opportunity to learn and grow.
Don't be over-protective of your child. Allow them to mess up every now and then, and help them understand how they can better approach the task next time.

Pickhardt says parents should see "uh-oh" moments as an opportunity to teach their kids not to fear failure.

10. Open the door to new experiencesPickhardt says you, as a parent, have a responsibility to "increase life exposures and experiences so the child can develop confidence in coping with a larger world."
Exposing children to new things teaches them that no matter how scary and different something seems, they can conquer it.

11. Teach them what you know how to do
You are your child's hero — at least until they're a teenager.
Use that power to teach them what you know about how to think, act, and speak. Set a good example, and be a role model.
Pickhardt says watching you succeed will help your child be more confident that they can do the same.

12. Don't tell them when you're worried about themParental worry can often be interpreted by the child as a vote of no confidence, he says. "Expressing parental confidence engenders the child's confidence."

13. Praise them when they deal with adversity
Life is not fair. It's hard, and every child will have to learn that at some point.
When they do encounter hardships, Pickhardt says parents should point out how enduring these challenges will increase their resilience.
It's important to remind your child that every road to success is filled with setbacks, he adds.

14. Offer your help and support, but not too much of itGiving too much assistance too soon can reduce the child's ability for self-help, says Pickhardt.
"Making parental help contingent on the child's self-help first can build confidence."

15. Applaud their courage to try something newWhether it's trying out for the travel basketball team or going on their first roller coaster, Pickhardt says parents should praise their kids for trying new things. He suggests saying something as simple as, "You are brave to try this!"

"Comfort comes from sticking to the familiar; courage is required to dare the new and different," he says.

16. Celebrate the excitement of learningWhen you're growing up, the journey is more important than the destination.
So whether your child makes the winning goal for his team or accidentally kicks it out of bounds, applaud their effort, Pickhardt says. They should never feel embarrassed for trying.
"Over the long haul, consistently trying hard builds more confidence than intermittently doing well," he explains.

17. Don't allow them to escape reality by spending all their time on the internetDon't allow your kid to hide behind a computer screen. Instead, encourage them to engage with real people in the real world.


18. Be authoritative, but not too forceful or strictWhen parents are too strict or demanding, the child's confidence to self-direct can be reduced.
"Dependence on being told can keep the child from acting bold," he says.

From Raising Happiness:
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_get_kids_to_do_boring_but_necessary_tasks

I've never found insulting my children to be particularly effective.
Instead to begin mindfully I could first notice my feelings of anxiety and exhaustion. Notice that no matter how speedy we had been, I still would not have been able to get to work on time. Accepting the situation non-judgmentally, rather than futilely trying to force it to be something other than what it was would have left me open to more productive positive alternatives.

The keys to mindful parenting are as follows:
First, notice what is happening and what you're feeling and thinking and
Second accept what is going on without judgement


Bring your attention to your breath, focusing completely on the physical sensation of breathing. If your mind wanders or you noticed that you aren't paying attention to your breath anymore, simply return your attention to your breath. No need to worry about your wandering mind.; simply note what you were thinking about and move your attention back to your breath.
Use this focus on breathing in your daily life and encourage your children to do the same.
Whenever I'm feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or angry I take 5 deep breaths, paying as much attention to them as possible.

Motivating kids:
ERN : Empathy, rationale or Reason, and noncontrolling language. 
E : I know you don't really want to but you need to go brush your teeth right now. Why don't you want to go brush your teeth?
R :  Why you asking your kids to do that seemingly unimportant tasks? Please go brush your teeth so they feel clean and healthy today.
N : imply that they have a choice rather than using controlling language. " what I Propose is.." or " if you choose to...." or " it would be extremely helpful if you..". They were already rejecting the tasks repeatedly. Most kids know they will end up doing list of what we asked them to, but when we avoid controlling language they have a lot less to resist and this offer a lot less resistance.

Empathize, label and validate 
You're acting very angry and frustrated are you feeling small right now?
Is there anything else that you are feeling?
I'm so so so mad at you.
You're mad at me, tell me about that. are you disappointed because I won't let you have a playdate right now?
Yes I want to have that play date right now.
You seem sad.
Interestingly now she is calm, clearly needing a snack and a cuddle.

Kids frequently displace negative emotions on to their loving siblings, parents or caregivers, meaning that while Molly might be mad at herself, a classmate, or her teacher it would be normal for her to displace that emotion on to me when she gets home.

Conflict Resolution and Steps to peace:
1. Breathe.
2. Point out that there is a problem to be solved, and engage them in the problem-solving.
3. Help them calm down.
4. Have everyone State what they want.  uncoached kids fail to State what they want. Rule number one in getting what you want? Ask for it!
5 have everyone Express their feelings. I statement. I feel X when you do y. I feel so Furious when you mess up my fort.
6 it is now a problem they will solve together. Win win.


Start meditating. Have quiet time for reflection or meditation. Talking about things you feel grateful for is a simple way to bring more joy into your life. Regular exercise will make y who was there okay if you want to go back later you promise to do it I guess what I'm saying is out of this she not all thisou smarter as well as happier. Spend time in nature.

From PD James "The private patient"

-His life was a mess. Some part of his nature, timid, indolent, lacking in confidence, had led him into this pattern of indecision, of leaving things to sort themselves out, as if he put faith in a benevlovent providence which would operate on his behalf if left alone.

-You surely understand one thing, the need to do what every instinct of your body tells you is ordained for you.

-Don't we all at some time or another make a decision which we know is absolutely right, the assurance that some enterprise, some change, is imperative? And even if it fails, to resist it will be a greater failure. I suppose some people would see that as a call from God.

-Life is too precious and too short to waste on people we don't care for, and much to precious to give up on love.

-A garden she could make and cherish, a useful job that she could do without strain with people she respected...

-"I like you, I respect and admire you. I'm never bored on irritated when we're together, and we share the same passion for the house, and when I return here and you're not about I feel an unease which is difficult to explain. Its a sense that there's something lacking, something missing. Can you call that love? Is it enough? It is for me, is it for you? Do you want time to think about it ?" And now she turned to him, "Asking for time would be play-acting. It is enough".

From http://www.forbes.com/sites/johnnosta/2013/02/25/the-genius-of-raising-brilliant-kids/

Limit rules, encourage independence.  We have ‘minimal rules’, but nothing that stifles creativity. Basically, you can sum it up simply: treat people with respect, do your homework be honest and try to be safe.  Having too many rules burdens down the entire family and limits thinking.