Resist distraction

This! :
https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2016/10/how-to-resist-distraction/

When the prefrontal cortex is taken offline by stress we end up doing things that are immediately pleasurable. Instead of getting overwhelmed, ask yourself, “What’s one little thing that I could do now that would move me toward this goal I’m trying to accomplish?” Taking one small step toward it can make it start to feel more manageable. 

Here’s how to resist distraction and be less reactive:

• Control your context: You can’t react to what’s not there. (phone out of reach)
• Stay calm: Stress makes you dumb. Stress and reacting leads to dumb behavior. (stay calm)
• Think about your goals: Get Stoicism, mindfulness and dopamine on your side.
• Make a deliberate decision: When you do, your brain is better able to resist no-no’s.(SCHEDULE EVERYTHING!)

You don’t have to react and answer that text immediately. You don’t have to react to that delicious smell and eat all the cookies. You can pause, stay calm, think about your goals and decide to do the right thing.
We’re all so afraid of being bored that we run to any distraction that presents itself. But when we truly engage with the world and focus on our goals, we’re never bored.

What afantastic post by Eric Barker. I do this a lot, but helps to remember the magic rules.


If I asked you "Do kids have the abilities and self-control of adults?" you would laugh and say, "Of course not." But we often treat kids -- especially during heated moments -- like they have the abilities and self-control of adults. Does not compute.

But it does mean we need to think a little less of parenting as being a prison warden and more like it's about teaching.

Mad Skillz

Start with the assumption that your kid is lacking skills, not the desire to comply. Work from the idea that kids do well if they are able to. If someone does not have the skills to deal with frustration and rationally problem-solve at a particular moment, they simply cannot do the right thing, no matter how much you shout or threaten.


From The Explosive Child:

I encourage you to put aside the conventional wisdom and strategies and consider the alternate view: that your child is already very motivated to do well and that his challenging episodes reflect a developmental delay in the skills of flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving. Your energy can be devoted far more productively to collaborating with your child on solutions to the problems. You and your child are going to be allies, not adversaries. Partners, not enemies.

But instead of thinking about the skill that's lacking, we just focus on the bad behavior. If we aim to discover and solve the underlying problem, the behavior goes away on its own.

Help them identify the unsolved problem, teach them the lagging skill, and the awful behavior gets replaced by something that will make them a more effective human -- and stop you from going prematurely gray.

"But I’m The Parent!"

Most times when you see conflict escalate it's because of that logic -- that it's a contest of wills, not skills. If a child is upset, threats just make it worse, and if a kid is not upset, threats are an excellent way to get them upset. You have the skills to control your behavior, they don't.

Nobody's saying you have to cave and give in. But it's not weak to ask questions. To assume that maybe there is a legitimate reason they're struggling, and that it's something you can help them get better at. Being immediately dismissive of someone's feelings is rarely a good idea.

Do you want your child to be an adult who just mindlessly obeys? No. We want them to have better self-control, better problem-solving skills, to consider the feelings of others and to negotiate.

From The Explosive Child:

If a kid is putting his concerns on the table, taking yours into account, and working collaboratively toward a solution that works for both of you—and if therefore the frequency and intensity of challenging episodes are being reduced—then he’s most assuredly being held accountable and taking responsibility for his actions.

We're forgetting that parents don't just need to be enforcers -- they need to be teachers.

Without them, they're not learning a lesson about emotional control or frustration tolerance, they're learning that whoever has more power can unilaterally make the rules. Congrats, you're raising a bully. Start saving bail money and tell him to stop breaking into my car.

There are three steps here and Greene has a Magic Formula for each.

Step 1: Empathy 
So what's the Magic Formula for the Empathy step?

“I’ve noticed that…” + (problem) + “What’s up?”

So you'd say, "I've noticed we've been having some difficulty when it's time to do your homework. What's up?"

Be calm and gentle. This isn't an argument or an interrogation. That said, we do need an answer. And most kids will respond with the dreaded, "I don't know" or silence. That's okay.

Frankly, the kid probably doesn't know. They probably haven't thought that much about it.
Be patient. Ask questions. Encourage them to talk. Get them to clarify. And try to find out why this problem occurs at homework time and not during other moments. Beyond that, the important thing to do is shut your big adult mouth. Do not rush to give your side of things or to solve the problem for them.

Patience. Gently ask questions. Don't judge.

Step 2: Define The Problem 

Okay, they told you their side. And knowing how kids are, they probably didn't think too much about how that affects anyone other than themselves and that’s why they’re in trouble. But that’s okay.

Again, don't jump to solutions just yet. We need to teach them those skills: being considerate of others, problem-solving, etc. And that means we collaborate, not dictate.
The defining step:

“The thing is…” + (communicate your concerns about the problem)

Calm and gentle. Avoid the word "you" because unless it's followed by "are wonderful" it's going to sound like an accusation. Stick to the word "I" and talk about your feelings. This teaches them to think about other people's perspectives.

Step 3: The Invitation 

Now it's time for solutions. And, no, you still don't get to suggest one. Sorry.

Magic Formula?

“I wonder if there’s a way we can...” + (address kid's concern) + "but that still makes sure to" + (address your concern) +“Do you have any ideas?”

This teaches them to take other people's feelings into consideration when problem-solving -- which is a much better lesson than blind obedience to unilateral demands.

Giving them first crack at suggesting the solution doesn't just improve their empathy and problem-solving muscles, it also lets them know you're interested in their ideas. It's a bonding moment. It teaches them, by example, how to collaborate -- as opposed to teaching them "How To Be A Dictator."

This is how you teach them skills that will make them a successful adult. And it doesn't involve lectures that they'll ignore.

The 2 Criteria For Good Solutions

In order to work, any solution has to include two elements:

• It has to be realistic. The kid has to actually be able to follow through.
• It has to be mutually satisfactory. It must solve the concerns of both parties.

So let's start teaching -- but not by lecturing.

Greene's Magic Formula for this one?

"Well, that’s an idea, and I know that idea would address your concern, but I don’t think it would address my concern. Let’s see if we can come up with an idea that will work for both of us."

And let them try again. They're learning to think about others' feelings and make a plan before they behave. And when they come up with something realistic that works for both of you, you're done for now. They'll be more likely to follow through because it's their solution.

You'll know you're making progress when the kid starts following through on their plan without reminders or help. Until then, they might screw up. No problem. Ask them how you can improve the solution so it's more realistic or more mutually satisfying.

Sum Up

Here's how to be a fantastic parent:

• Step 1 - Empathy: “I’ve noticed that…” + (problem) + “What’s up?”
• Step 2 - Define the problem: “The thing is…” + (communicate your concerns about the problem)
• Step 3 - Invitation: “I wonder if there’s a way we can...” + (address kid's concern) + "but that still makes sure to" + (address your concern) + “Do you have any ideas?”
• 
  
• Some might say the adult world is not always such a collaborative place. Your kid may end up in a job with a boss who unilaterally dictates orders, doesn't listen and makes threats.

That is a 100% real possibility. And that is a problem...

Which is why we taught them awesome problem-solving skills, right?

From The Explosive Child:

A (dictator) boss is a problem to be solved. How does your child learn to solve problems? (With the above three steps.) Which skill set is more important for life in the real world: the blind adherence to authority... or identifying and articulating one’s concerns, taking others’ concerns into account, and working toward solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory...? If kids are completely dependent on imposition of adult will to do the right thing, then what will they do when adults aren’t around to impose their will?

You're teaching your kid the skills they need to be empathetic and respectful, to problem-solve and negotiate.

When it comes to abilities, we act like kids are our equals. But when it comes to respect, we act like they're inferior to us.

Try reversing that.

https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2019/01/long-awesome-life/

This is how to live a long, awesome life:

• Inconvenience Yourself: Build more movement into your day. Take the stairs, not the escalator. Don’t use the phone, go see a friend. If you want French Press coffee, walk to France.
• Hara Hachi Bu: Eat until you’re 80% full. (The people of Okinawa seem pretty cool and I don’t think they’ll mind if you culturally appropriate this concept for the purposes of death prevention.)
• Plant Slant: More veggies. Nuts are the Infinity Stones of longevity eating, Thanos.
• Downshift: I’m not writing a description for this. I deserve a siesta. Taking it easy will extend my life so I can write more blog posts later.
• Belong: In the Blue Zone of Ikaria, there is no word for “privacy.” Now I do enjoy my privacy — but being so supported and loved that you don’t even bother to create a word for being alone is pretty cool too.
• Don’t Zone Alone: Start a “Blue Man Group” — sans face paint. Surrounding yourself with others who follow some of the Blue Zone ideas will make living longer easier and more fun.

So what’s number 7?

Purpose in life.

Ask yourself, “Why do I wake up in the morning?” If it’s a good reason, you’ll probably have a lot more mornings ahead of you.

https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2018/10/how-to-have-more-energy/
This is how to have more energy:

• Meaning: Do things that benefit others. Effective “job crafting” starts by looking at how much time you dedicate to specific tasks that give you energy each day. When university call center employees who were asking alums for donations got to meet the scholarship students who benefited from their work, productivity, enthusiasm and the amount of money coming in went up dramatically.
• Interaction: Be 80% positive. (I am 99% certain of this.) People consistently said that the most positive times in their lives all had to do with belonging and connecting -- not achieving. When researchers ask people to reconstruct the most positive and negative experiences of their lives, they consistently describe social events as their most influential memories over a lifetime. “In short, it was the moments of connecting to others that touched people’s lives the most.” 

  My team’s research found that people who reported having great interactions throughout the day were nearly four times as likely to have very high well-being.

  
  How can you guarantee that? Make close pals at work. But how do you know if you're really friends with someone at the office?
  
  Ask yourself how much you share your personal problems with each other.
  The telltale sign of a friendship between co-workers was the amount of time they spent talking about topics unrelated to work. Then the next phase, a very close friendship at work, was marked by something less intuitive: sharing problems from one another’s personal and work lives.
• Health: Eat better, move more, sleep long and well. A 2014 study suggests that highly processed foods with added sugar may also contribute to laziness. Even “comfort foods” like baked goods actually have the opposite effect of comfort and are likely to make people more depressed. When people exercised moderately for 20 minutes they felt better... for up to 12 hours. So get to the gym early and you can boost your mood for almost the entire day.
  

  When researchers assigned one group of participants in a study to do 20 minutes of a moderate-intensity workout, they found that the participants had a much better mood immediately following the exercise than a control group who did not exercise. What surprised researchers was how long this increase in mood lasted. Those who exercised continued to feel better throughout the day. Even two, four, eight, and twelve hours later, they were in a better mood than the control group.

  While many concentrated on his findings relevant to 10,000 hours of deliberate practice, the other factor that differentiated top performance was sleep.  

https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/05/the-last-damn-thing-youll-ever-need-to-read-a/

Achieving Goals: Everything You Need To Know

Huh? Set goals? Why?

• Setting goals can improve your life. Goal setting is one of the four techniques the military used to increase Navy SEAL passing rates from 25% to 33%.
• Studies have also shown it makes you happier.

How do you set goals?

• Initially, the research says, aim high. Set ambitious goals. (But later on down the road don’t be afraid to settle to be happy.)

• Keeping goals vague sometimes produces higher rates of success but being specific will prevent procrastination.

• Structure your goals so that the focus is to learn and improve, not to outdo someone else. The former helps you grow. The latter can turn you into a jerk.
• 
  
• If you really have no idea what you want, imagine your funeral. In his famous Stanford commencement speech Steve Jobs said: “Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.” And science agrees with him.

What are the first steps in moving toward your goals?

• Write them down. Writing about goals makes you happier and makes you more likely to follow through with them.
• Sometimes the best way to figure out how to do something is to focus on why you want to do something.

• Grease the wheels for any behavior change by manipulating your context.

• Don’t look at goals like a death march. Putting some time into making them fun is both more enjoyable and more effective.

• Make the first couple milestones easy. Track your accomplishments on a chart. Do anything so that you can see progress because nothing motivates you more than seeing progress.

How do I keep going and not give up?

• Use checklists to make sure you’re accomplishing everything. They work. And depending on your goal sometimes you don’t need a “to-do list”, you need a “not to-do list.”

• Do NOT fantasize about achieving your goal. That’s eating dessert first and saps motivation. Thinking about what you have to do to prepare for a challenge was more likely to lead to success than imagining the victory.

• The secret to avoiding goal-induced stress is more planning. This reduces random factors that can throw a wrench into things and knock you off course.

• You can measure progress by how much you’ve completed or how much you have left to do. Research says you’ll be more motivated if you focus on whichever of those two is smaller.

• Understand the steps to expert performance. Keep in mind the lessons from Daniel Pink’s excellent book on the science of motivation, Drive. Know the techniques the Army uses to instill mental toughness.

What are 5 things that make achieving goals easier?

1. Make a step-by-step plan.
2. Tell other people about your goal.
3. Think about the good things that will happen if you achieve your goal.
4. Record your progress (e.g., in a journal or on a chart).

https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/08/is-it-better-to-start-off-with-ambitious-goal/

Consumers who set ambitious goals have a greater level of satisfaction compared to those who set conservative goals

“The moral of the story is don’t sell yourself short,” Cho said. “Aim high.”

From https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2018/09/how-to-quit-bad-habits/

Here’s how to quit bad habits without willpower:

• Gratitude: The same feeling that energizes us to do good for others can help us do good for ourselves. See positive things as blessings; don’t take them for granted. And then write them down.
• Compassion: The emotion that drives us to help others can also benefit “future you.” Crazy as it sounds, write a letter to “future you.” Feel some compassion for the difficult situations you often put him/her in and you’ll boost self-control.
• Pride: Combined with an appreciation for the hard work and support that goes into any achievement, this deadly sin can be a virtue. Keep track of your accomplishments and you’ll end up more disciplined.

From : Ancient Wisdom Reveals 7 Rituals That Will Make You Happy

Step Back

What do the people we hold up as icons do? Well, James Bond doesn't hop up and down when he beats Blofeld and he doesn't cry for his mom when henchmen shoot at him. He's not emotionless -- he's in control of his emotions. Plain and simple: he's less reactive to his external circumstances. The events around him do not dictate his behavior. He decides how he will respond.

When you're reactive, you give up free will.  Impulsive rarely has a positive connotation; it's pretty much synonymous with bad decisions.

So when something happens and triggers a strong emotional response, step back. Take a deep breath and let your thinky-brain decide if throwing your laptop against the wall is the best way to cope with slow internet speeds.

We make better decisions when we see thoughts and feelings as just that: thoughts and feelings. They are not "you" and you don't have to act on them.

So what should we do? Well, when you feel those strong emotions well up, followed by a desire to do something extreme -- pause. The stronger the emotions and the more urgent the desire to act, the more skeptical you should be and the more you want to hit the brakes.

At first, just give yourself a count of five. You want to extend your ability to feel the feelings without acting on them, fighting them or denying them. They will dissipate. It never seems like they will in the moment (and that's why feelings are so powerful) but they will dissipate.

Acceptance
The Stoics were control freaks.... They were very serious about control, yes, but serious meaning that 99% of the time you don't have any. And you better get used to it.

All you can truly control is your deliberate thoughts.

And Buddhism is big on "not clinging." When you cling to your desires and expectations -- you suffer. We must accept that life is not always going to give us what we want. When we give up trying to control things we can't, we feel better.

Why be unhappy about something if it can be remedied? And what is the use of being unhappy about something if it cannot be remedied?

When your opponent gets the advantage in a game, don't waste time shouting, "That should not have happened!" They do their thing and you respond, doing the best you can to improve your situation.


Feeling Is The Only Way Through

The Stoics are stereotyped as suppressing their emotions, but their philosophy was actually intended to teach us to face, process, and deal with emotions immediately instead of running from them. Tempting as it is to hide from a powerful emotion like grief— awareness and understanding are better. That means facing it now. Process and parse what you are feeling. Remove your expectations, your entitlements, your sense of having been wronged. Find the positive in the situation, but also sit with your pain and accept it, remembering that it is a part of life. That’s how one conquers grief.

(Mindfulness is) "The awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally." - "learning how to stabilize attention and dwell in a lucid space of non-reactive awareness."

And that's a technique we can easily use. You imagine the worst possible scenario, feeling it as realistically as possible, and, with time, find that its power over you shrinks and shrinks.

We are happiest and most effective when our minds cease to be time travelers and stay focused on the here and now.


And modern research by Harvard happiness expert Daniel Gilbertshows that a wandering mind is not a happy mind:


So what should we do? Catch yourself in the act. This is your new game to play. Check in with yourself. "Is my attention focused on the here and now?

Mindfulness is meditation writ large. In meditation, you focus on your breath, your attention wanders, and you return your attention to the breath. Over and over. And in living a mindful life, you're focused on the present, your mind wanders, and you return it to the present. Over and over.

People Are Ridiculous. Love Them Anyway.

No. You're not perfect. They're not perfect. Be patient. Be compassionate. Don't judge. Help.

 If we’re more accepting, more peaceful, less judgmental, less selfish, then the whole world is that much more loving and peaceful, that much less judgmental and selfish. Of necessity, how we are affects everyone around us.
 Outside of your genetics, relationships are #1 when it comes to happiness-makers.

My empirical study of well-being among 1,600 Harvard undergraduates found a similar result—social support was a far greater predictor of happiness than any other factor, more than GPA, family income, SAT scores, age, gender, or race.
So how do we boost our empathy and compassion and improve our relationships?

The great Stoic Hierocles said to treat everyone as family and you will come to see them as such. And, similarly, what attitude does the Dalai Lama take when dealing with others?

"Trying to treat whoever he meets as an old friend."

Sum Up

Focus on the present: Regret might be back there. Anxiety might be up ahead. But what is really bothering you right now? So spend more time in the now.
People are ridiculous. Love them anyway: The only people who are perfect and always make sense are people you don't know very well. Treat people as old friends and often they will become just that.

Gratitude.

Gratitude toward others and gratitude for this life with all its ups and downs. So accept it all, love it all, be grateful for it all.

From https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2016/10/how-to-deal-with-psychopaths/

Here’s how to deal with a psychopath:

• Don’t. 1) Run. 2) Are you sure you can’t run?
• Accept that some people are just bad news: A tiger is not a good house pet. And you will not change that fact.
• Pay attention to actions, not words: No excuses. No BS. Use the “Rule of Threes.”
• Build your reputation and relationships: You need a good defense and good advice.
• Win-win agreements: Make it easier to go through you than to destroy you.

When in the middle of a deathmatch with a ruthless monster of a human being, being cynical is like having ESP. A jaded perspective can keep you one step ahead of them. But in the long term it can be toxic.

Don’t give up on all people just because you dealt with a really bad one.